This video has to be fake, a joke, something? Ted Cruz wouldn’t be this blatantly desperate. Wait, that’s exactly what it is. Confined by his self-inflicted hyper-Christian temperance, Ted Cruz needs to be seen as publicly refraining from such bombastic acts as the likes of Donald Trump.

He still needs the media’s attention though, to have any hope of producing at the polls for the backwards people that support him. It seems that the place he finds himself in leaves him only one option: really lame grabs at tropes like “bacon’n’guns”.